I decided to just put in all his advice and see what this transformed my screenplay into. One of the main things Steve wanted me to change was adding more scenes and making more time pass. My original draft had just 7 scenes, my current draft now has 14 scenes.
Steve wanted me to change the phone call scene between John and his mum. This scene was clumsy and revealed too much information that wasn't really necessary. Steve also wanted me to introduce John as a character before plunging straight into the action. I therefore decided to kill to birds with one stone. I changed my screenplay to open on a conversation between John and his mum in person. This scene subtly reveals that John has the tendency to get overloaded at work and that he also thinks of himself as being a very important part of his work.
Here's the beginning before Steve's feedback:
Here's the beginning after Steve's feedback:
Steve also suggested I added more interaction between the two main characters. I therefore decided to add this scene where Kyle is now disrupting John at his place of work rather than just casually at home. I feel that this scene really helps to add depth to the characters and their friendship. It shows that Kyle has really crossed a line by coming to John's work:
Steve also felt that I got rid of Kyle too early and that Kyle should actually be a part of the doctor's office scene. Therefore, I introduced Kyle into the scene but left him as a silent character as he is only a hallucination of John's.
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